I'm Back! (and) Am I a Jealous Lover? Discuss!

O! Hai thar!

I bet you thought I had left this blog to rot in its... not... being... uhm... posted in...ness.

Ahem.

BUT ALAS! You were fooled by my mere busy-ness with other aspects of life and blogging! To begin with, I've finally gotten Fun and FlirTea off the ground and begun posting there. This is where much of my writing time has disappeared to, so my personal blog has indeed fallen by the wayside for a brief time. Never fear, kind friends and readers! I am back and do intend to post with at least semi-regularity once more.

Other than the release of my tea blog, I have been quite busy in life and work as well! I've been spending more time with friends, going out dancing, attending an occasional concert, doing yoga more regularly, and... oh yeah. GETTING PROMOTED AT WORK! Success indeed!

I'm not sure if I've mentioned it here before or not, but I've been trying to get back into copywriting for quite a while and, after years of hard work and doing what I can in my company to get there... and suddenly I am! It took plenty of time and work, but I am the newest Copywriter (and Social Media Clerk) at Build.com. Yay!

Naturally, to celebrate my new position, my body chose my first full week in the job to get stupidly sick with a gnarly cold! Fortunately, I am getting over it now, but I still have a dry throat and slight cough.

But enough of the updates! Part of what brought me back to this blog at this time is something I've been thinking about lately. Not long ago, I finally was able to establish a friendship with an old ex-boyfriend I had very little contact with over the past 3 years since our relationship ended. And this friendship is a real one, where we are comfortable around each other and can even make jokes about the years we were dating.

Love (?) in the Life of Dinah

I alluded to my recent break up in my last blog post, and I think it will be cathartic for me to write a little more on the subject now. Feel free to pass on this post if you just aren't interested (understandable!), but this is my personal blog, so.... there.... Ha.

In any case, I had been dating Paul for just over a year when I ended things and, to be frank, things had started getting bad after just 3 months. Whenever things got particularly bad, we'd talk and things would be better for about a week, then revert back to what it was before. I had spent my year or so of being single prior to dating Paul to build my personal confidence levels. Unfortunately, a lot of my time with him undid most of the work I had done on myself. It was through no active efforts on his part, but just the general way the relationship went, our closeness, etc. I can't really get more specific here, but suffice it to say that my ego took more than a few hits in the time we were together, and most of them were directly related to my relationship with him. The worst part about it is that I didn't even realize how low my own self-worth had gotten until a few days ago. But I'll get to that in a moment.

A Recurring Theme

I know I've done this before, but I always seem to come back to it. I think it has something to do with the fact that things never seem to get resolved. Or maybe I just can't seem to exhibit enough patience to allow for a real resolution to come about.

Most likely, there is just no such thing as a "resolution" to the way my life works. You see, I can't help but be preoccupied with the status of my love life, if you will. This is not to say that I feel the need to jump into anything. I just feel like it would be nice to get back on the horse and have some kind of legitimate... something. I'm not entirely certain. I'm not ready for anything serious, but I'm getting tired of being so lonely and, when I'm not totally lonely, I feel like my options are, to say the least, limited. Not always in a good way. In fact, usually not.

I went so far as to spend months thinking to myself that, while my options seemed many and varied, my actual possibilities were few and far between. Overall, a pretty cynical outlook. I like to think I've gotten a bit more optimistic (though I admit, it hasn't been much of an improvement).

Skipping Ahead

So remember that post a bit ago about wanting to skip ahead and get to the happy ending of my life? Well, I've been thinking about that a lot recently. Sure, it sounds nice in theory, but when it comes down to it... that's not what I want or need right now. It's true, I can think of at least one person who is pretty much exactly who I would love to have in my life 'til death do us part. But that's not what I need right now. I think I still need the freedom of being a woman of sense and independence.

Looking ahead to the me of 5 years from now, that person looks even more appealing to my sensibilities. And by then I may just be ready for more. I don't want to miss my middle, as Lorelai Gilmore would put it. I see the beginning, I see the ending I could have... and as much as I want to jump forward in time and just have it... I don't want to miss my story, my middle.

The important part isn't the result, it's the journey that takes us there. So I guess it's time for me to just live it up, go with the flow, and have a good time with my life. No more fucking around and feeling sorry for myself because things aren't turning out as well as I had hoped. No more being shitty at keeping up with people and wallowing pitiably because I don't seem to have anyone around anymore.

Yes, there are rough times. Yes, I have always gotten through them as well as I could. And now it's time to just freaking get over it.

Life - here I come.

And the sad part is I can't even bring myself to end that statement with an exclamation point.

What I'm Looking For

I'll be honest. I don't know what I'm looking for. Right now, I just want to have a fun time. I am so unbelievably happy to not be in my last relationship that it shocks me every time I realize it. At the same time, while I miss the comfort of having someone I could (sometimes) rely on when I needed human contact, I definitely don't want to be in a relationship now. Not if I have to fight through the beginning stages that always seem so nice at the time. I guess I just don't want to deal with that right now. I want the happy ending. I want the first letter in "Slay the Critics" at the end of Buffy the Vampire Slayer Season 8, Issue 22. I know what the ending is, but I don't know how I'm going to get there or who it's going to be with.

For those who don't have access to this issue of Buffy, allow me to enlighten you. The very first letter was led into with these simple words from Scott Allie (the man who answers the letters sent in), "And now...a very special Slay the Critics. Please read the following letter, everyone." To say the least, he has never instructed the readers to make certain to read a specific letter. In fact, he has commented on getting flack from fans for not printing the entirety of every letter in the past. Yet this one was somehow special. I read on to learn the story of a guy who is not only new to Buffy, but to Joss Whedon in general. He told the story of meeting a girl. A girl who tried to get him to watch Firefly to no avail. A girl who he compromised with (without telling her) by watching Buffy, without realizing that she didn't even like the show at the time. When he shared his news, they agreed that if he watched Firefly that she would watch Buffy. They both loved all of it in the end. And now they are eagerly reading Season 8 in comic book form. Now for the important part, as this letter-writer put it. He ended his letter with a proposal to his girlfriend.

My initial thought? "Where can I find one?" But what about this story makes me wish it was mine so much? I think what I desire most about this isn't the nerdy boyfriend/fiance. It isn't the amazing and perfect proposal in a comic book/Joss creation. Sure, these things are both great and amazing, but what I really want is the relationship where happy compromises are made, where interests are shared and valued, and where life improves. Ha! You thought I was going to say I wanted the happy ending, didn't you? Well, I do. But it's not what makes this story or this relationship particularly poignant.

Yes, I know relationships require work. Yes, I know they're hard. But this is what I long for: the simplicity of just loving someone for all they are.

I'm jealous.


Buffy art from: http://www.whedon.info/